


Saudade

by star_child



Series: University of Tokyo [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bakery, Break Up, Cake, Crying, Fighting, M/M, Slow Dancing, Underage Drinking, a pair of wild gays, family health scare, japanese student yamaguchi, let yamaguchi rest, things you said meme, yamaguchi is Stressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:30:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7489767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_child/pseuds/star_child
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(sue-DA-day)<br/>noun<br/>a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia</p><p> </p><p>-----<br/>or<br/>a series of snapshots</p><p>tsukiyama extra<br/>((takes place before Prepare For Trouble))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello yes i reordered that 'things you said' list/prompt/thing and broke it up into chapters

**things you said when we were the happiest we ever were**

_ Because lovers dance when they’re feeling in love. _

He wakes up before Yamaguchi for once.

His phone says it’s 6:48 in the morning, and out the window he can see the sun rising beautifully between the buildings, painting everything pink and gold. Yamaguchi lays beside him, brown hair sprawled on the top of the pillow, arms wrapped around the bottom of it. He’s drooling the tiniest bit.

Tsukishima brushes a lock of hair behind the shorter boy’s ear, kisses his forehead gently before standing. They’re going through a cold spell, and the air in the room is freezing when he gets out from under the covers. He grabs a tee shirt out of the drawer on his way past – an old one bearing the logo of a college he toured but did not attend – and slips it on over his boxers. The floor in the kitchen is bound to be cold too, so he grabs a pair of dinosaur print socks. (A joke gift from Kageyama on his birthday that he wears as often as possible out of spite.)

It’s slightly warmer out in the kitchen, so the goosebumps that had risen on his bare legs slowly fade away. He turns on the old radio that sits on the shelf above the sink, turning it down to a pleasant background noise. (A genuine gift from Hinata on his birthday, found in an antique shop.)

Tsukishima sets to work making breakfast, starting with the coffee machine before pulling out bacon and eggs from the fridge. He hums along to the radio as he cooks, doesn’t even mind the shitty banter between the two hosts.

Yamaguchi shows up in the doorway before he’s done. He’s dressed the same as Tsukishima, in boxers and a t shirt that he’s gripping in one hand, rubbing his eye with the other. His socks are ridiculously bright, unmatching, and bunched around his ankles.

“Good morning,” Tsukishima smiles in amusement.

“Morning,” Yamaguchi mumbles back. He shuffles to the table and collapses, propping his head up in his hands and staring at nothing. Tsukishima places a cup of coffee in front him and he takes it gratefully.

When he finishes cooking, they eat quietly, only the soft clicking of chopsticks and the radio playing.

_ “Since it is now 7:00 on the dot, we’ll be taking requests!” _ one host announces after the song ends.

_ “Yes, a few minutes ago we asked you to go online and submit your requests, and now we’re going to pick one randomly.” _ There’s the sound of the hosts laughing, then cheering when they deem the pick a good one. Tsukishima misses the name because he’s clearing away the plates, making a good deal of noise, but when it starts the beat is slow.

“Hey, Yamaguchi,” he says when he turns back around. He looks much more awake now, gripping his nearly empty cup of coffee.

“Mm?”

“Dance with me.”

Yamaguchi blinks at him in surprise, and to be honest Tsukishima has kind of confused himself. But he doesn’t back down, even holds his hand out to Yamaguchi. The shorter boy takes it slowly, a hesitant smile creeping onto his face. He lets out a surprised yelp when Tsukishima tugs him forward, laughing lightly when the taller boy’s arms wind around his waist.

“No no,” he smiles. “It’s like this.” He takes one of Tsukishima’s hands from his back and places it palm up in the air, sliding his hand into it while he places the other on his shoulder.

“Oh, now you’re the dancing expert?”

Yamaguchi giggles. “The dancing queen.” He begins singing over the radio in messy English. “You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet, only seventeen!”

Tsukishima smiles back at him. “Only seventeen, huh? I could have sworn you were older.”

“Not by much,” Yamaguchi allows.

They fall silent after that, just swaying to the radio. It’s a little bit ridiculous, two eighteen year old boys, standing in their kitchen at seven am on a Sunday morning in their boxers and t shirts and ridiculous socks, but they couldn’t care less.

Tsukishima kisses him as the song ends, and it tastes like coffee.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright you get one more nice chapter and this one's got GASP _the sex_

**things you said over the phone**

Tsukishima stares at the video on the screen, squinting as the guy goes way too quickly through the types of hydrogen bonds. It’s high school stuff, sure, but it’s _late_ and he certainly hasn’t gone over this stuff since high school. He closes the computer after another few seconds and rubs at his eyes under his glasses.

Out of nowhere, his phone starts ringing. It phases him less than it used to, since no one sleeps anymore. Half past midnight may as well be eight pm to a college student. But he gets a shock of surprise when he looks at the caller ID.

 **Incoming Call** : Tadashi⭐️

He never changed the contact name from when he was a silly middle schooler.

But why the hell is Yamaguchi calling him? He should be in the apartment…

“Hello?” Tsukishima answers, confused.

 _“Tsukki!”_ Yamaguchi cheers. _“What’s up?”_

He’s listening closely, but he can’t hear Yamaguchi anywhere in the apartment. “Ah, where are you?”

 _“I’m on the roof!”_ Yamaguchi replies happily. _“You should come up! It’s so pretty up here.”_

Tsukishima breathes in, out. “Okay, yeah, don’t go anywhere.”

* * *

 

**things you said under the stars**

When Tsukishima opens the door to the roof, his first impression is that he can’t see _anything_. The lights of the city glow all around him, but the rooftop is cast fully in shadow. The light from the hallway behind him is completely blocked the heavy steel door, he can only hope it didn’t lock after he let it close.

“Yamaguchi?” He peers into the darkness, unable to even make out the boy’s silhouette. “ _Tadashi_.”

“Over here!” he hears softly. There’s a light, the glow of his phone screen – far more to the left than Tsukishima was looking – and he heads carefully toward it. The gravel of the roof is shifty and uneven, but he makes it without incident.

Yamaguchi is close to the edge, sitting on the tiny rocks and leaning his upper body on the low wall surrounding the roof. His arms are folded on top of it, head resting on his crossed wrists. When Tsukishima approaches, he lifts his head and smiles.

“Hi, Tsukki,” he says softly as the taller boy sits.

“Hi, Tadashi. What are you doing up here?”

Yamaguchi looks back out at the skyline. “I like it up here.” He closes his eyes, a small smile tilting on his lips. He looks better. “There’s no stars,” he continues, “y'know, ‘cuz of the city, but it’s still pretty. The lights can be like stars, in a way.”

“Mm. It _is_ pretty,” Tsukishima agrees, matching his boyfriend’s quiet tone. He looks out, over the soft blue light of Tokyo. Their apartment building isn’t that tall, especially since it’s owned by their school, but it’s tall enough to provide a decent view without being blocked by skyscrapers. It’s so different from Miyagi, but he enjoys it all the same.

“Why are you up here?” he eventually asks softly.

Yamaguchi takes a deep breath, answers, “Needed a break,” on the exhale.

Without thinking, Tsukishima leans in and hides his face in Yamaguchi’s neck, lips pressed to his collarbone, glasses smudged slightly against his skin. “Care to take this break inside?” he asks.

Yamaguchi shudders, inhales sharply. “Yeah,” he squeaks out. “Inside.”

* * *

 

**things you said with no space between us**

The door didn’t lock behind them, thankfully. They push through it with no hesitation, hardly paying it any mind when they’re gasping for air against each other’s lips.

They push down the hallway, giggling like school children as they pass other people’s doors and hold hands down the stairs. There’s no one in the halls, thankfully, and they fall into the apartment with swollen lips and half hard in their pants, always pushing, pushing, pushing. Down the hall, into the single bedroom, Tsukishima pushes his boyfriend up against the closed door and crashes their lips together.

Yamaguchi, toughened in high school but still pliant, presses into the door and melts into Tsukishima's grip. They slow down, just for a moment, because they’re young and in love and Tsukishima knows his boyfriend likes to take things slow. He pulls back a bit, cradling Yamaguchi’s jaw in his hand and pecking his lips gently a few times. Yamaguchi smiles.

“You’re done with homework for the night, right?” Tsukishima mumbles against his lips.

Yamaguchi’s smile becomes a bit strained as he struggles to let go for a few moments, but he nods back, leans up to attempt to pick up the pace again. But Tsukishima uses the hand on his jaw to push his head to the side, leaning into his neck instead.

He likes things rougher than Yamaguchi, but still loving, and he peppers the boy’s freckled neck with kisses and gentle bites. Yamaguchi’s breath stutters, he arches away from the door and claws at his boyfriend’s back.

Without speaking, they move away from the door at the same time, turning around so Yamaguchi’s back is to the room. Tsukishima crowds forward, forcing the shorter back until his legs hit the bed and he falls. He gasps a little when he lands on his back on the mattress, but laughs when his boyfriend descends on top of him, and they resume.

They’re still a mess, long limbs from the final growth spurt, gangly but coordinated thanks to all their years of volleyball. Their shirts come off quickly, giggling when they mess up Yamaguchi’s hair, Tsukishima’s glasses. Their pants are more difficult, because Yamaguchi is still wearing _shoes_ and Tsukishima has a belt on. But they manage.

Yamaguchi’s freckles are scattered all over his body. They dance across his cheeks, as well as his shoulders. They’re like a gradient on his arms: thick around his shoulders and the top of his biceps, then becoming more and more spaced out until they stop around his wrists. They’re all over his back as well, and in another situation Tsukishima would trace constellations on them with his fingers or a pen.

In this situation, he does trace his fingers over the ones on his shoulders, then lets his fingers skate down to brush the ones on his stomach. He can feel Yamaguchi’s abs clench as he tries not to laugh, and Tsukishima smiles into his neck. He reaches down further, until he's cupping Yamaguchi through his boxers. The boy gasps through a smile, hips jumping at the touch and hands scrabbling along the sheets for something to hold. One hand works its way up and into Tsukishima's free one.

“Tsukki… Tsukki! Kei!” Tadashi gasps, squeezing his fingers when Tsukishima's hand finally slips under his boxers. “God… please,” he whines as the taller boy teasingly rubs his fingers over his entrance.

“Yeah?” Tsukishima asks breathlessly, just to make sure. “Want me to?”

“Yes, Kei, please.”

Tsukishima smirks at the boy – the mess – beneath him for a moment before letting go of his hand and pushing away. Yamaguchi whines at the sudden empty air above him, but Tsukishima is back a moment later, lube and a condom in his hands. He pulls Yamaguchi's underwear off fully and tosses it to the floor with the rest of their clothes.

Before he can get very far, Yamaguchi frowns and mutters out a, “Hey,” pushing at the band of Tsukishima’s underwear. A soft roll of his eyes, and the final piece of clothing joins the rest on the floor.

He coats a finger in lube, reaching down again to rub around the entrance. Yamaguchi’s hips stutter and press toward him, but now he’s having fun. Every time Yamaguchi gets close, he moves his hand away just a bit, leaving him chasing the sensation. “Don’t be a dick,” Yamaguchi grits out after a minute of this. Tsukishima hums in acknowledgement, then does it again. “Tsukki – Ahh!” He cuts himself off in a cry as Tsukishima pushes his finger in without much warning, but it only takes him a moment to adjust. Before long Yamaguchi is rolling his hips down onto his finger, grasping at the sheets again.

Tsukishima pushes in another finger when he deems him ready, and Yamaguchi takes it just as eagerly as the first. He’s barely had the third one in for any time at all when Yamaguchi starts pushing at his arm. “It’s fine,” he says, “It’s enough, God, just please fuck me, Tsukki.”

 _Well_ . He isn’t going to argue with _that_.

Tsukishima slips his fingers out, wiping them carelessly on the sheets beside Yamaguchi’s ribs as he fumbles with the condom one handed.

“Let me see it,” Yamaguchi says when he sees him struggling. He doesn’t get a chance to respond, because Yamaguchi’s grabbing it out of his hand and ripping it open with his teeth. Tsukishima grips the base of his dick to keep himself in check – _mistake_ , he didn’t realize how neglected his own body felt.

“Give me that,” he says breathlessly, grabbing the condom back and taking a moment to just _breathe_ before sliding it over his dick. He coats himself in lube, has every intention of teasing Yamaguchi again until he presses the head in and realizes there’s no way he has enough self control for that.

Yamaguchi does everything but moan as he slides in. He lets out a string of whimpers and curses, eyes squeezing shut as his arms lift up to claw blindly at Tsukishima’s shoulders. The taller boy leans forward in response, allowing yamaguchi to dig his fingers into his spine as he buries his face in the freckles of his neck.

“ _Shit_ , Tadashi,” he gasps as he struggles not to move in order to give his boyfriend time to adjust.

Yamaguchi’s ankles hook together at the base of his spine, nudging incessantly. “God don’t _stop_ , I’m fine just _fuck me, Kei_.”

He almost comes right there.

But he’s not some shitty teenager, so he breathes against Yamaguchi’s skin and wills the overwhelming heat in his body to dissipate as he slowly starts to move. Yamaguchi swears in his ear, blunt nails raking down his back. It stings, but it feels incredible.

He can feel Yamaguchi’s dick pressed between them, rubbing on both their stomachs and he hopes that’s enough friction for him because there’s no way his hand is going to fit in there. “God, _fuck_ , I love you, Tadashi, baby,” he hisses.

“I lov – _shit Kei, right there_ ,” Yamaguchi gasps back, back arching off the bed before flopping back down dramatically. He yanks Tsukishima’s face over to kiss him as his boyfriend hits that spot again, and again, until Yamaguchi is a sputtering, babbling mess.

When Yamaguchi comes, it’s all over both of their stomachs, amplifying the obscene noises of their skin rubbing together. Tsukishima comes in a few more thrusts, vision going white and ears ringing. By the time he gets his bearings, Yamaguchi’s face is twisted in discomfort at the obvious overstimulation. He pulls out as quickly but gently as possible, apology faint and breathy on his lips.

“‘S okay,” Yamaguchi mutters back as his boyfriend stands on wobbly legs.

He tosses the tied up condom in the trash, then winces at both of their come smeared stomachs. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.” He leans in to quickly kiss Yamaguchi on the lips, then disappears to the bathroom. He grabs a washcloth and soaks it in warm water. He washes himself off first before wringing it out again and bringing it back to Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi hasn’t move when he walks back in. He’s still lying on his back, eyes unfocused and a faint smile on his lips. Tsukishima chuckles at his spaced out look, kneeling beside the bed and tapping his fingers to get his attention. “Hey,” he laughs when Yamaguchi blinks at him in surprise. “Damn, am I that good?”

Life seems to flood back into Yamaguchi as he sits up, snatching the washcloth and cleaning himself up. “Don’t flatter yourself. It’s just cuz I’ve been so stressed lately.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Yamaguchi throws the washcloth at his head.

* * *

 

**things you said when you thought i was asleep**

They get settled in bed after Tsukishima tosses all their clothes in the direction of the hamper, Tsukishima on his back with Yamaguchi tucked into his side. It’s how they usually sleep; this, or Tsukishima is on his side as well, facing his boyfriend.

“Hey,” Yamaguchi says softly after a few minutes, laughter almost present in his voice.

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for, y’know, making my break better.”

Tsukishima smiles at the ceiling. “Yeah? Was I better than a starless Tokyo skyline?”

Yamaguchi nestles more into his side, sighing. “Always.”

He falls silent after that, and for the next twenty minutes, everything is quiet. They’re only on the third floor, but traffic below them sounds far away, quiet at this time of night in a fairly residential area anyway. Tsukishima watches the clouds move across the sky as Yamaguchi’s breath fans across his collarbones, hair tickling his neck.

The shorter boy shifts a bit, prompting Tsukishima to look down at him. His face scrunches up minutely before smoothing out again, and the blond boy angles his neck to kiss him on the forehead. Kind, sweet, Yamaguchi, who puts everyone else before himself, but knows when enough is enough. He won’t let himself be stepped on, not like he used to when they met, and Tsukishima admires that about him more than anything else.

“You are soft,” he whispers against his hair, “but strong, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”


	3. Chapter 3

**things you said at 1 am**

“…Yamaguchi.”

“…”

Tsukishima leans forward into the living room, shoulder still pressed against the doorframe. He watches the shorter boy’s hand as it continues to scribble across the sheet of paper. Is he imagining it shaking?

“ _ Yamaguchi _ .”

His hand stops. He doesn’t look up.

“What are you working on?” Tsukishima asks gently. The small apartment has been pitch black for hours, save for the light Yamaguchi has on next to him. The cord runs along the floor to the table where he sits. Tsukishima’s eyelids droop behind his glasses.

It takes Yamaguchi a moment to respond, his voice small and tired when he does. “Japanese project. Close reading… Passage analysis.”

“When’s it due?”

“Day after tomorrow.”

Tsukishima pushes himself off the doorframe, pads into the living room, and sits on the floor next to his boyfriend. He has to move the lamp cord out of the way. “Thursday, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“This is a big assignment, I take it?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm.” They sit in silence for a moment, the only sound the resumed scratch of Yamaguchi’s pen and the clock ticking steadily on the wall. “How much do you have left?”

“This paper. There was a visual rep, but I already did it, and… This is just two more pages, I have them all, y’know, outlined and everything I just have to get this done…”

“Why don’t you finish them up tomorrow?” Tsukishima suggests. He lays his hand over the one Yamaguchi is writing with, effectively stopping the pen. Is the ink green or he just overtired. “Do you have to handwrite this?”

“Yeah. Well, no. I mean, it’s not required, but I don’t have enough money to use the printers so… But I usually handwrite the rough draft anyway. It helps me edit it.” His eyes slide to the side as he purposely avoids his boyfriend’s gaze. “And I won’t have time to finish it tomorrow. I have classes like all day, and other homework I have to do, and I’m working from four to eleven.”

If he looks closely, he can see the tears gathering in Yamaguchi’s eyes. “I’ll pay for the printer, if you find time to type it. Come to bed, Tadashi.”

“I  _ can’t _ ,” he sniffles.

Tsukishima moves their hands as he talks, gently prying the pen away and lacing their fingers together instead. “You’re overtired. Is any work you do right now really going to be good quality?”

“No… But I don’t care about quality anymore, low quality is better than having  _ nothing _ –”

“Come to bed,” Tsukishima repeats in a whisper, leaning in to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek.

Yamaguchi wipes his eyes on his sleeve, still won’t meet Tsukishima’s eyes. “…Okay.”

* * *

 

**things you said at the kitchen table**

Tsukishima wakes up to sunlight streaming in the window. It’s a beautiful morning, cast in yellows and pinks and soft illumination. The window is still open from yesterday evening, letting in the sounds of city traffic beneath the apartment and the buzzing of cicadas. He turns to the side, intending to wish his boyfriend good morning, or go back to sleep if he isn’t up yet. But the bed is empty.

Mind still bleary with sleep, Tsukishima slides out of bed and grabs his glasses, heads over to the door and peeks his head into the living room. And there is Yamaguchi, seated at the table in the kitchen beyond with his computer out. He’s typing, looks like Google drive.

The apartment is lit only by sunlight. Tsukishima sighs and walks out, across the living room and past the couch until he’s stopped just behind his boyfriend. Headphones cover his ears; Tsukishima can see the spotify logo in one of his tabs.

He doesn’t want to startle Yamaguchi, skittish and pent up on what can’t be more than a few hours of sleep as he is, so Tsukishima walks in a wide circle around him, tapping his fingers on the table about a foot away from the laptop. Yamaguchi looks up quickly, pushing his headphones down to his neck.

“Oh, Tsukki,” he says with a sheepish smile. “Good morning.”

The taller boy squints back at him. “Hey. I didn’t hear you get up.”

“Oh, that’s cuz I – You were pretty dead asleep when I… got up…” he trails off under Tsukishima’s suspicious look.

“How long have you been out here?”

Yamaguchi glances at the clock on his laptop screen. “Um… A few hours?”

They stare at each other.

“…It’s eight in the morning.”

“Yeah… well… I have this paper that I need to finish so… I managed to edit it, this is the final draft. You’ll really pay for printing?” Yamaguchi gestures at the screen, the essay still sitting half finished. Tsukishima leans in to peer at the page count. Only three.

“Yeah, I said I would. Do you have anything else to do today?”

“Well… I spent all morning editing it –” He lifts up a stack of papers, inked in green pen, filled with scribbles and margin notes and various highlighters bleeding into each other “– so now I have to… figure all these dumb notes out and type up the final. Working on that now.”

Tsukishima nods as he holds the packet up the computer screen.

“It’s due at nine o’clock tomorrow morning. Turnitin, so it can’t be late, y’know? But I have class in like… an hour and a half, and work tonight until eleven, so I’m not gonna wanna do it after that probably so I should finish before four. And my lit history teacher assigned a project yesterday so –”

“We’re going out,” Tsukishima announces. He can’t stand to listen to Yamaguchi’s responsibilities pile up until they crush him. “Get dressed, I promise it won’t be for long.”

“My paper –”

“Can wait,” Tsukishima says, no nonsense. “Come on. Take a break.”

* * *

 

**things you said too quietly**

They go to get breakfast. There’s a stop on the green line for a wonderful little pastry stop, painted in pastel colors and always smelling of sugar. Suga works here, and he smiles brightly at them as Yamaguchi gets excited over all the sweets in the display case. Tsukishima pays for both of them; two coffees, a croissant, and a pack of macarons.

Yamaguchi sits them at a table outside, smiling into his coffee and closing his eyes as he breathes in the cool early morning air. He looks as beautiful as ever, Tsukishima thinks as he rips his croissant in half, but exhaustion and stress have begun to take a physical toll. His skin is paler, deep bags rest under his eyes. The little piece of his hair that always sticks up lies flat against head, pushed back with how often his fingers run through it.

The sun turns the tops of the buildings orange, not quite high enough yet to touch the street. Two girls are sitting a table near them, giggling at something on one of their phones and sharing a muffin. Birds are singing, a bus is coming up the street. Yamaguchi’s shoulders sag like he is carrying the weight of the world.

“I’m so worried about you,” Tsukishima blurts out. The bus is right next to them, noisy and rattling as the ac blasts on the inside.

Yamaguchi opens his eyes after it’s passed, looking at Tsukishima with a mildly confused expression. “Did you say something? These buses are so loud…”

Tsukishima swallows, stares at the stress pimples along Yamaguchi’s forehead. One of the girls scoots her chair, and it screeches against the brick patio. “No,” he says, and hopes it doesn’t sound as choked as it feels. “It must have been the birds.”


	4. Chapter 4

**things you said while we were driving**

They’re sitting on the couch on a Friday night, watching a movie. Or, Tsukishima is watching the movie, Yamaguchi has been alternating between typing on four different google docs on his phone and texting a contact that Tsukishima can’t make out from his end of the couch. Finally, he reaches out to tap his boyfriend on the wrist.

Yamaguchi startles the tiniest bit, looking around wildly before his eyes land on Tsukishima.

“What’s up?” Tsukishima says quietly. “You’ve been typing non stop for almost an hour.”

“Oh!” Yamaguchi picks his head up to smile a little distractedly at his boyfriend. “I’ve just been doing a few passage reflections, and overdue corrections for a test.”

“Who are you texting?” he asks curiously. He’s not at all jealous, he’s just always been curious.

The shorter boy seems to visibly deflate, and for a second Tsukishima wonders if it’s Bad. But he’s put [mildly] at ease when Yamaguchi mumbles, “It’s… it’s my mom. My grandpa isn’t… he’s in the hospital.”

“Oh.”

“He’s not doing well. I might have to go back up to Miyagi for… a little while.” Tsukishima watches as his boyfriend takes a deep breath. “Problem is… I don’t have enough money for the train, and my mom can’t drive and we’re not sure my dad’s car can  _ handle  _ four hours here and another four hours back and –”

“I’ll drive you,” Tsukishima says softly. “It’ll be okay, Tadashi.”

\---

Of course, he doesn’t actually have a car. Living in the city and all… He figured it would have been easier to just take the buses everywhere.

But  _ Bokuto _ has a car. Why he has a car and not an apartment, Tsukishima isn’t sure, but he grits his teeth and clenches his hand over the phone for at least a minute before he swallows down his already blooming annoyance and taps on Bokuto’s contact.

_ “Hey hey hey!” _ Bokuto crows when he answers.  _ “What’s goin’ on, Tsukki??” _

Tsukishima jaw twitches in annoyance, but he tries to make his voice polite. “Don’t call me that.” Well he tried. “But I ah, I need a favor.”

_ “Sure thing buddy! What’s up?” _

“Can I… borrow your car?”

The line is quiet for a second.  _ “My car?” _

“Yes.”

_ “...Are you old enough to drive?” _

Tsukishima throws his hand up, despite there being no one around to see him. “Yes, I can drive! I’m eighteen, Bokuto, I have been since September.”

_ “Oh all right. Yeah you can borrow my car I guess, when do you need it? For how long?” _

He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose as he thinks. “I’m not sure exactly what day I need it yet, sometime this week. And I’m gonna need it like, pretty much all day.”

_ “Okay. Call me when you need it, talk to you later, four eyes!” _ And just like that, he hangs up.

“What the fuck…” Tsukishima mumbles to the room around him.

\---

True to his word, Bokuto just hands the keys over when Tsukishima calls the next morning. He’s at Akaashi’s dorm this week, so he and Kageyama have a stand off in the main room – a bit ridiculous when Kageyama is wearing fried egg pajama pants and drinking a milk box – while Bokuto roots around Akaashi’s room off to the side for his keys.

“See you tonight, or tomorrow?” he asks when he drops the keys into Tsukishima’s palm.

“Tonight,” Tsukishima says curly, then, “Thank you, Bokuto.” He doesn’t bow, he never bows, but flashes a brief salute at everyone in the room before leaving.

He finds the car in the parking lot easily enough, the white Subaru with the owl decal in the corner of the back windshield. He wonders if Bokuto would be pissed if he peeled it off. The car itself is easy enough to drive, and he heads back to the apartment where Yamaguchi is waiting.

“Did Bokuto-san even ask why you needed his car for an entire day?” Yamaguchi asks after he hauls his suitcase into the back seat. He’s overpacked, as he always does.

“No, I don’t think he ever did.”

“That was nice of him, then, to just lend you his car.”

Tsukishima grunts, unwilling to admit that Bokuto had done him a favor as he puts the car in gear. “Put your seatbelt on,” he says instead as he pulls away from the curb. “I don’t want you hospitalized too.”

“That’s sweet,” Yamaguchi says sarcastically, but he puts on his seatbelt just the same.

* * *

 

**things you said after you kissed me**

The ride was long. Five total hours alone with Yamaguchi drove him almost as crazy as the four minutes he spent standing in Akaashi’s dorm, waiting for Bokuto. But he brings Yamaguchi right to the hospital so he can go up and see his mother.

They just sit in the car for a moment when they get there, Yamaguchi’s phone still plugged into the aux cord, his music playing quietly. This is a band Tsukishima showed him, but an album he doesn’t have yet. It’s quite nice, he thinks.

“Do you want to come up?” Yamaguchi asks softly when the song starts to wind down, just the guitar fading out.

“No.” He tries to ignore Yamaguchi’s flinch, then immediately tries to make it better. “Tell your mother that I say hello, though.”

Yamaguchi nods. “Of course.” They just sit there again, waiting, it feels like. When Tsukishima feels like he’s about to explode, he leans over the console and kisses the shorter boy, gently at first, then again harder when he realizes he doesn’t know when he’ll see him again. Yamaguchi looks nervous when he pulls away, glancing toward the doors of the hospital.

“Your grandpa will be okay,” Tsukishima says softly. “Come on. He’s not  _ that  _ old, is he?” Yamaguchi cracks a smile, and Tsukishima mentally pats himself on the back.

“Yeah, I guess…”

Tsukishima kisses him one last time. “Better not keep them waiting,” he says as softly as he can.

Yamaguchi seems to steel himself, and some of that courage he found in high school shows itself. “You’re right. Okay. Thank you for driving me, Tsukki.”

“Of course. I’ll drop your stuff off at your house so you don’t have to bring it up with you, okay?”

“Yeah, okay, thank you.” Yamaguchi gets out of the car, grabbing his phone off the charger and unplugging the aux cord. The music cuts short. Tsukishima watches as he walks through the automatic doors, then turns a corner and is out of sight.

* * *

 

**things you said with too many miles between us**

He parks Bokuto's car in the same spot he found it, prays all the way up the stairs that of the three of them, Akaashi will answer the door. He does, much to Tsukishima's relief, and doesn't say a word when Tsukishima hands over the keys. In an effort to not be completely rude, Tsukishima says, “Tell Bokuto I said thanks. And have a goodnight, Akaashi-san.”

The older boy repeats it back, and Tsukishima heads back to the first floor to catch a bus back to his apartment.

It feels empty without Yamaguchi there, but the apartment is a nice sort of quiet. Everything is exactly where he left it when he went out, he doesn’t have to worry about one of them hogging the bathroom or the kitchen, or playing his music too loudly. He’s free to walk around in the same clothes he wore yesterday, and cook loudly at one in the morning. Probably all things he can do with Yamaguchi around, but he doesn’t have to worry about disturbing him somehow.

A few days in, there’s a knock on the door. Tsukishima looks up from his laptop, already mildly irritated. He’s going to have to  _ stand up _ , and  _ walk _ , and  _ open the door… _

He gets up and is about to look through the peephole when he hears the tell tale signs of Kageyama and Hinata bickering on the other side.  _ “You should have knocked louder. And don’t tilt it like that.” “Shut  _ up _ everything is under control okay.” _

Tsukishima grits his teeth and opens the door.

“Tsukishima!” Hinata cheers. He’s holding a plate that has… a cake on it. The frosting is messy and the whole thing is tilting to one side, but it’s very much a cake.

“Why… have you brought me that?”

“Well it’s not for  _ you _ ,” Kageyama grumbles the same time as Hinata says, “It’s for Yamaguchi!”

“Why have you brought Yamaguchi a cake?”

Hinata huffs like it’s supposed to be obvious, glaring up (aaaall the way up) at Tsukishima. “Well, we know he’s been super stressed lately right, so we thought, hey, we’ll do something nice for him! And everyone loves cake! So we made him a cake!”

Tsukishima eyes the lopsided thing in Hinata’s hands, wonders idly if Kageyama poisoned it. “Why didn’t you just  _ buy  _ him a cake?”

The shorter boy squawks indignantly, like Tsukishima’s suggestion is the worst thing he’s ever heard. “That’s way less personal!” he cries, “I might as well have sent him a lame text that says ‘feel better soon.’”

“Not that you would know anything about being friendly, Tsukishima-kun,” Kageyama says sweetly from behind his boyfriend.

Tsukishima glares at him, then grabs the plate out of Hinata’s hands. “Give me that. He’s not even here right now, he’s back in Miyagi.”

“What, why?”

“Family issues,” he says shortly. “I’ll tell him you came by.” He closes the door in their faces, hears Kageyama mumble,  _ “What a fucking prick,” _ as they walk away. He couldn’t care less.

He drops the misshapen cake off in the kitchen, then goes back to the couch and picks up his phone, clicking on Yamaguchi’s contact.

He picks up right before it goes to voicemail, sounding exhausted.  _ “Hi Tsukki,” _ he mumbles.

“Hey. Did I wake you up?” He glances at the clock, it’s barely one o’clock.

_ “Ah, no, I’ve been up all day. Trying to do a little bit of homework.” _

Tsukishima hums, trying to keep the disapproval out of his voice. Yamaguchi needs to rest, or at the very least spend some time with his family. He probably has been, but still… “Hinata stopped by,” he says to distract himself from his own thoughts.

_ “Oh? I feel so bad, I missed him!” _

“I told them I’d tell you.”

_ “...Them?” _

Tsukishima automatically makes a face of disgust. “Ah, Kageyama was with him. They… Made you a cake.”

Yamaguchi is silent.

“Babe?”

_ “A cake…?” _

“Yeah, vanilla frosting.” He peers at the food item in question over the back of the couch. “I don’t know how safe it is… Hinata was very clear that they were the ones who made it.”

_ “I’m sure Kageyama did not poison my cake.” _

Tsukishima scowls again. “That’s not what I was implying.”

_ “It’s what you were thinking.” _ He can hear the laughter in Yamaguchi’s voice.  _ “And they’re not completely incompetent. I’m sure it’s a wonderful cake.” _

Tsukishima continues to eye it doubtfully before mumbling, “Doesn’t even sit on the damn plate right.”

Yamaguchi laughs, light but also a little hollow. Tsukishima’s chest aches.  _ “I don’t think I’ll be back in time to enjoy it,” _ he says, a bit of remorse coloring his tone,  _ “Feel free to eat as much as you like.” _

He can’t help but laugh. “An entire cake to myself. Ten year old me would lose his shit.”

_ “Don’t eat it all at once,” _ Yamaguchi giggles back.  _ “I have to go, we’re leaving for the hospital in a few minutes. I’ll call you soon?” _

“Yeah yeah,” Tsukishima mumbles. “Talk to you later.” He hangs up before Yamaguchi can reply, tossing his phone back to the other side of couch.

He lets the cake sit for an entire week and a half, until it's covered in moldy patches and the frosting is turning yellow under the saran wrap, before he throws it out. He tells Hinata it was pretty good considering it was made by pigeons.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sings// things are falling apart

**things you said that made me feel like shit**

In the end, Yamaguchi’s grandfather leaves the hospital after three weeks. Tsukishima borrows Bokuto’s car again (and again he doesn’t ask a single question) and drives back up to Miyagi. Yamaguchi is waiting on his front porch, playing with his phone. Tsukishima is tempted to honk and startle him, but when Yamaguchi raises his head Tsukishima is shocked into stillness.

The kid looks like _shit_ , with even darker bags under his eyes than usual, his cheeks hollow, collarbones popping, hair disheveled and drooping. His eyes look like stones.

Tsukishima gets out of the car to help him with his bags – maybe he didn’t overpack after all. They don’t speak until the bags are in the back and they’re driving away from the house. “Your grandpa is okay?”

Yamaguchi nods, eyelids drooping. “He had some infection. Wouldn’t have been a problem for someone like us, y’know. Young. But he’s so _old_ …”

“Not that old.”

“Old enough,” Yamaguchi snaps. He sinks back into the seat afterward, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just… It’s been a long couple of weeks,” he laughs bitterly, voice dropping to a whisper. “I’m fucking exhausted.”

Tsukishima glances at him what is probably too many times considering he’s driving, but he doesn’t really care. This is a quiet street. “You okay?” he asks softly.

Yamaguchi blows out a breath, running his fingers through his hair for what is probably the hundred millionth time. When he answers it’s with a pathetically quiet voice. “Not really.”

He keeps his eyes focused on the road as they get to the busier part of town, but doesn’t drop the conversation. “Have you been sleeping at all?”

It’s hard to tell from nothing but his peripheral vision, but he thinks Yamaguchi rubs his eyes. “Not really. I’ve been trying to. I’ve been… resting.”

“That’s not good enough,” Tsukishima grits out.

“I’m trying okay?!” Yamaguchi barks, voice rising in the small space. “God, I’m doing my best. My grandpa was in the fucking ICU for two weeks then had to stay for another few days in the general hospital, I’m trying to spend time with my family and stay on top of school work and –”

“You need to fucking relax with all this school stuff, okay?”

It’s silent except for the sounds of the town outside the car. Yamaguchi stares at him. “...What.”

Tsukishima clenches his jaw, trying to ignore the sheer flatness of Yamaguchi’s voice. “You’re gonna drive yourself over the fucking edge. Just take a break.”

Yamaguchi laughs, short, only once, bitter. “Oh, you’re right. Let me just go ahead and drop all of my work, just let my grades plummet, I’m sure that’ll be real good for my gpa.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. You just shouldn’t let it _completely_ overtake your life like you’ve been doing. It’s not good.” Tsukishima’s hands grip the wheel, the leather squeaking under his fingers.

“Listen,” Yamaguchi bites, “My classes are really fucking demanding right now, I can’t let anything get in the way.”

“Not even your grandfather on the verge of death?” Tsukishima snaps.

He regrets it immediately. Yamaguchi audibly sucks in a breath, tired eyes filling with hurt and tears. His throat bobs, and he chokes out a small noise of disbelief. Tsukishima’s own eyes are burning. “Stop the car,” Yamaguchi rasps. His voice sounds like that of a mouse.

Tsukishima keeps driving. What is he going to do? Stop in the middle of the road?

“Kei, pull over.”

“I’m not _stopping_ , Tadashi,” he finally grits back. “Fucking four and a half hour drive back, I’m not delaying that so you can be angsty on the side of the road. Be angsty at seventy miles an hour on the highway, okay?”

Yamaguchi glares at him, but turns away and doesn’t speak for the rest of the ride.

* * *

 

**things you said when you were drunk**

Hinata and Kageyama come knocking on their door again, when they’ve only been home for about an hour. It’s been a tense hour, with Yamaguchi unpacking and running clothes up and down to the basement for laundry, and Tsukishima cooking a dinner he’s not overly interested in eating.

He answers the door with a scowl, taking a second to notice that the two look unusually dressed up. “What,” he snaps, nerves already running high.

“We’re going to a bar, wanna come?” Hinata states.

Tsukishima blinks at him, taken aback. Hinata blinks back. Kageyama rolls his eyes behind him.

“You’ll never get past the bouncer,” Tsukishima finally responds.

Hinata squawks indignantly. “I’m _older_ than you!”

“Yeah? You still look like a ten year old. At least I _look_ like I could be legal.”

“You look like a jackass, that’s what you look like,” Hinata mumbles.

Tsukishima is about to close the door on them when Yamaguchi appears beside him. “Hinata!” he says happily, pushing forward to hug the shorter boy.

“Ah Yamaguchi!” Hinata cries back excitedly, reaching up to hug him. “You’re back! Where were you? Miyagi? We made you a cake but you weren’t here!”

Yamaguchi pulls back, frowning now. “I know, I’m sorry I wasn’t here to have any. But what are you doing here?”

Hinata jumps back, grinning brightly. “Kageyama and I were gonna go to a bar! There’s a local band playing at one near here, so we thought we’d go see them and get drinks. We didn’t know you were back already, so we thought we’d invite Tsukishima so he could get out of the house and do something fun!”

“Shut up, dumbass, you’re rambling,” Kageyama mumbles from behind him. Tsukishima and Hinata both glare at him.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Hinata says pointedly, “Yamaguchi you can definitely come with us! It’ll be fun!”

“None of us are legal though,” Yamaguchi says uneasily. Tsukishima resists the urge to roll his eyes. He’s always one to follow the rules.

“So what? We can still get in. And the bouncer and bartender will be so distracted by Shrimpy here that they won’t spare a second glance at the rest of us,” he says.

Hinata immediately has his fists up, bouncing up on his toes. “Yeah? You wanna go, you jerk?!”

Kageyama slaps a hand down on his shoulder to keep him still.

Tsukishima ignores him. “And what’s the point of having a fake ID if you don’t use it, huh?” Yamaguchi flushes and looks away. “Yeah, I know you still have it.” Matsukawa was majoring in law and criminal justice, but his boyfriend was a sneaky little rat, and he’d made fake IDs for practically everyone he knew, just because he could.

Yamaguchi laughs a little, nervously, and the sound rings hollow in the air. “I guess we can go.”

\---

Tsukishima was right. They make Hinata order first, and the bartender squints and inspects his ID until announcing that it’s a fake. She barely glances at the other three’s, too busy hiding amusement as Hinata begs not to be arrested. The girl looks like she’s probably still in college herself, and she promises she won’t do anything to Hinata, so long as he doesn’t try to order anything alcoholic. He mumbles discontentedly but accepts.

Hinata and Yamaguchi start up a conversation while waiting for the band to start, Hinata with his cherry red soda that's probably more coloring than flavor, and Yamaguchi with a beer that he rarely takes sips off. Kageyama and Tsukishima sit there awkwardly.

“Wanna do shots?” Kageyama blurts after a few minutes.

Tsukishima blinks at him in surprise. “I… guess?”

Kageyama nods in satisfaction, waving the bartender over. He orders something dark blue for himself, and something that tastes like pineapple for Tsukishima. Or at least, the aftertaste does. It’s not in his mouth for more than a second.

He slams his glass on the bar the same time Kageyama does, drawing the attention of the two boys still talking.

“Did you just do shots?” Yamaguchi asks, squinting at Tsukishima. He rolls his eyes so he won’t see the disgust on his face.

“I wanna do shots!” Hinata cries. He shuts up immediately when the bartender sends him a sharp glare, then pouts at Kageyama when he sees him pulling down the lower lid of one eye.

Yamaguchi shakes his head and turns back around to continue his conversation with Hinata. Kageyama takes one look at the look on Tsukishima’s face and orders another round.

\---

He’s not sure how it happens, but he ends up taking more shots than Kageyama does. He likes that pineapple thing, but it burns on the way down after the third time, so he tells the bartender to get him whatever Kageyama got. It’s weirdly tart in his mouth, almost like a blueberry. He orders something green after that.

When the band comes out, Hinata drags Kageyama off to find a closer seat, something about being friends with one of the members, blah blah blah, it all goes right over Tsukishima’s head. He hears Yamaguchi tell Hinata that they’ll be there when they come back, then he turns in his seat to face Tsukishima.

“How many shots have you done?” he asks, without giving Tsukishima a chance to respond.

“Who cares?”

“I care.”

“What, you wanna know if I’m drunk?” Tsukishima bites. He doesn’t know why he’s being so hostile, but he’s always found a sick pleasure in seeing other’s faces crumple at his words. Apparently it’s the same if it’s Yamaguchi.

“I want to know if I’m going to drag you home completely wasted,” Yamaguchi says back. He doesn’t seem angry, just… almost sad.

“Yeah? What the fuck do you care, huh? All you care about is school.”

 _There’s_ that missing anger. “What the fuck, Kei?” Yamaguchi hisses. “That is _not_ all I care about. I care about my family and friends, which is more than you can say, I’m pretty sure, and I care about _you_ , you dick.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “And I’m starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t.”

Tsukishima sits there, swaying slightly, as Yamaguchi pulls out his wallet. He slams some money on the bar for his drinks before hopping off his stool, making his way out of the bar. Tsukishima doesn’t follow him.

* * *

 

**things you didn’t say at all**

Hinata and Kageyama come back almost an hour later, after the band has finished their set and Hinata has gone to talk to whatever member it is that he knows.

“Where’s Yamaguchi?” he asks as soon as he’s within hearing distance.

“Left,” Tsukishima mumbles.

“Aw what? He didn’t even say goodbye!” Hinata whines. Kageyama pats him on the head, though the motion seems to hold a great deal of sarcasm. “Will you tell him goodnight for me, Tsukishima-kun?” Hinata asks.

He’s about to say no, but Hinata is looking at him with these wide hopeful eyes, earnest and caring, and it’s all he can do to mumble out, “Yeah, I’ll tell him.”

Hinata nods, satisfied with the answer.

“Look, we’re gonna head out,” Kageyama starts, absentmindedly finding Hinata’s hand below Tsukishima’s field of vision. “You seem more than a little tipsy. You should probably come with us.” He actually looks concerned. _How sweet_ , Tsukishima thinks.

“Yeah.”

He gets down from the stool, quickly paying for his drinks before following the two out of the bar. He awkwardly trails behind them down the sidewalk to the bus stop, tunes out their half hearted bickering. He thinks they’re arguing over whether or not the Hulk could beat Superman in a fight.

The bus ride back to their apartment is a quiet affair, as Hinata lays his head down on Kageyama’s shoulder once the bus starts moving and doesn’t pick up their previous argument. Tsukishima tries not to look at them, seated across the aisle. They’re sickeningly cute.

Kageyama gets off at the stop for the dorms, kissing Hinata briefly on the head before he leaves. The boy beams until Kageyama is out of sight, then draws his knees up to his chest and rests his head on them instead, head turned to the empty side of the bus. Tsukishima can’t help but think he looks a little bit sad, like this.

But he pops right back up when the bus reaches their stop, asking Tsukishima his opinion on the Hulk vs. Superman fight. (“But Superman can _fly_ , y’know? So he’d be all like _pheeeew_ , while the Hulk would be left on the ground like _gwuuuhh_.” “Didn’t you see the Avengers though, he can jump up skyscrapers.”)

Hinata walks Tsukishima all the way to his apartment before turning to head back to his own, wishing him a goodnight as he walks backward and waves. Tsukishima makes a promise to himself that he’ll try to be a little nicer to the boy.

He nearly fumbles his keys when he’s trying to open the door, but manages to get it on the second try.

The kitchen light is on when he gets inside, and there is Yamaguchi sitting at the table, this time with what looks like MathXL up on his screen, a notebook beside him filled with scribbles and messy equations.

“I’m going to bed,” Tsukishima says without properly greeting him. Yamaguchi jumps, though he must have heard the door open and close.

“Okay.”

He waits for him to say something else, but when he’s met with only silence he heads down the hall, his promise to Hinata to say goodnight completely forgotten.

 _I’m sorry_ , he thinks instead. _I care about you too, and I’m sorry_.


	6. Chapter 6

**things you said when you were crying**

He’s not sure Yamaguchi ever comes to bed that night. If he does, Tsukishima is too deeply asleep to notice, and he’s gone before he wakes up.

Gone as in, completely out of the apartment. He’s pretty sure Yamaguchi doesn’t have class until the afternoon today, but he’s gone. There’s no texts or note to be found, so Tsukishima shuffles out to the kitchen to try and make himself breakfast. His head is aching like a bitch.

He manages to pay attention long enough to keep his eggs from burning, narrowly avoids pouring salt in his coffee, and pats himself on the back for grabbing the Aspirin and not the sleeping pills he knows Yamaguchi isn’t taking. His breakfast is dull.

Tsukishima drags himself through the day, wondering why the  _ fuck _ he agreed to go out for drinks on a school night, but the Aspirin kicks in half an hour into his first class, and he feels fine for the rest of the day. (If a little tired.)

Yamaguchi isn’t in the apartment when he gets back, which again strikes Tsukishima as odd. He shoots him a text asking if he’ll be home for dinner, to which he gets no reply. His concern is growing, but he gets started on dinner, making enough for two people.

He eats alone. He wraps Yamaguchi’s plate in saran wrap and puts it in the fridge with a sticky note that says, ‘Please eat if you haven’t already.’

\---

Yamaguchi doesn’t show for three days. He’s reading his texts, and occasionally sending short replies, so Tsukishima isn’t exactly panicking, but he’s still extremely worried. Finally, he breaks down and calls Suga.

_ “Tsukishima!”  _ Suga says happily when he picks up.  _ “To what do I owe the pleasure?” _

“Good afternoon, Suga-san,” he starts. Suga has never been anything other than supportive, he deserves a little respect. “I need your help with something.”

_ “I’ll do what I can. What is it?” _

“Well firstly… have you heard from Yamaguchi at all lately?” He crosses his fingers and bites his lip. Most of them may not play volleyball anymore, but despite only spending a year or two with Suga they all still call him if there’s a problem.

_ “He hasn’t made any effort to contact me, no, but Hanamaki told me in class that he’s been staying with Hinata and Kenma.” _

So he’s still in the  _ building _ . That stings a little. “Oh… okay.”

_ “Is that all you need?” _

“Do you think… I should go talk to him?”

_ “Well what happened?” _ Suga asks, patient as ever.  _ “Did you two have a fight?” _

Tsukishima starts heading for the couch, realizing he’s probably going to be on the phone for a while as he explains everything. “Well… he had to go back up to Miyagi for a few weeks. His grandfather was in the hospital.”

_ “Oh no,”  _ Suga interrupts softly.  _ “Is he okay?” _

“Yeah, everything turned out fine, it was just some kind of infection or something. But I kind of… I think Yamaguchi has a lot on his plate right now. With his family, and school… he’s hardly sleeping, he’s eating less, I kind of yelled at him on the way back. And I guess later that night too.” He draws his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them as he waits for Suga’s reply.

_ “And what about him? Did he get mad back either time?” _

Tsukishima lets out a short laugh. “Uh, yeah. He kind of got the last word both times.”

_ “What was said during the first fight?” _ Suga sounds like he’s settling down somewhere to talk as well.

“I… he told me he wasn’t sleeping much while he was with his family, since he was trying to make time for everything, and I told him to chill with his obsession with his school work. I kind of accused him of caring more about his grades than a family member dying.”

_ “Tsukishima…” _

“I know,” he says through gritted teeth, “I know, I know, it was fucking  _ cruel _ of me but I was  _ mad _ and I’m worried sick about him.”

_ “Maybe you should tell him that, then, instead of just yelling at him.” _

“I have! I think.” He mentally goes over the fight in the bar, as well as the one in the car. “Maybe I haven’t…”

_ “Maybe you should start with that then. You said you had another fight the same night? What happened with that?” _

Tsukishima sighs. “Hinata and Kageyama came by. They were going out to see a band at a bar downtown, so they invited us along.”

_ “You went to a bar?” _

He grimaces. “Right. Uh…” There’s really no point in lying to Suga. He might get a small scolding, but considering the circumstances he might not even get that. “Yeah. I may have… had a few shots.”

_ “With what ID?” _ Suga sounds more amused than anything to be honest.

“Ah that’s not really important,” he says dismissively. “I was a little drunk, I guess. Yamaguchi was still not happy with me. All he did was ask me how drunk I was; all this shit he’s dealing with and he still wants to know if  _ I’m  _ okay.” Tsukishima feels himself tearing up, eyes burning.  _ I’ve been so shitty to him… _ “And I just blew up at him. I told him all he cared about was school.”

Suga hums on the line, but doesn’t speak.

“He wasn’t going to let that slide. He really grew a spine in high school. Called me right the fuck out.” He takes off his glasses, wiping a hand over his eyes. “Right before he left he said he cared about  _ me _ , but he was starting to wonder… if maybe he shouldn’t.”

He falls silent. Suga doesn’t say anything for so long that Tsukishima holds the phone away from his ear to see if he’s still there.  _ “You really need to talk to him,” _ Suga says at last, voice soft.  _ “There is nothing I can do for you here, Tsukishima, I’m sorry. But you  _ really  _ need to go talk to him.” _

Tsukishima nods, takes a few shaky breaths to try and calm himself down. Breathing becomes easier, but it doesn’t stop the flow of tears from his eyes. “Okay.” He sniffles, once, hates the way his voice wobbles. “Thank you for listening, Suga-san.”

_ “Of course. Let me know how things work out?” _

“Yes. Have a good day.”

_ “You too, Tsukishima. Good luck.” _

* * *

 

**things you said when i was crying**

He waits an entire day before going to talk to him. When he’s sure Yamaguchi won’t be at class, or at work, or out doing whatever the hell he does, he heads up two flights to the top floor, where Hinata lives.

He holds his breath past Kuroo’s door, though he isn’t sure why, he’s just praying the older boy won’t come out to annoy him.

No one comes out to bother him, so Tsukishima heads further down the hall to Hinata and Kenma’s door. He lifts his hand to knock, but the door opens before his knuckles can touch the wood. His eyes widen a bit in surprise, and there is Kenma, blinking up at him from the other side of the door.

“Oh,” he says. “Hello, Kei.”

He bites back the annoyance at the use of his first name. It’s just a Kenma thing, he knows that. “Hello. Is Yamaguchi here.”

Kenma nods once, but doesn’t move.

“Can I see him…?”

“I’m going out,” Kenma replies, seemingly ignoring his question. Tsukishima looks him up and down, takes in the pajama pants and black t shirt, socked feet. The older boy notices his inspection, and bristles slightly in what is probably annoyance. “I’m going to see Kuro.”

“Right. My apologies, Kozume-san.”

He catches the roll of Kenma’s eyes before he ducks his head, and Tsukishima steps aside to allow him to leave. He steps into the apartment after, glancing around for his boyfriend. He’s been in here once or twice, but he still accidentally opens the door to Kenma’s room before he gets to Hinata’s.

They’re both on their backs on the bed, sideways with their heads on the ground. Hinata blinks at him owlishly as Yamaguchi’s eyes widen. “Hi Tsukki…” he says, sounding apprehensive.

“Hi. Can I talk to you?”

Hinata rolls over onto his stomach, pushing to his feet in one fluid movement. “I just remembered, I think I lent something to Bokuto, I’m going to go see if he’s with Akaashi and Kageyama,” he says quickly. It’s a blatant lie, but he clears out of the room in seconds, leaving them alone.

Yamaguchi rolls over himself, and sits up. “What’s up, Tsukki?” he asks warily, as if he doesn’t already know what’s coming.

Tsukishima sits heavily on the edge of the bed. “I’m… really sorry about what I said a few days ago.” He clears his throat. “In the car, and also in the bar. I was angry, and the second time I was… I was drunk.”

Yamaguchi just sits there, staring at him.

“But more than that, really, I guess I’m just worried about you.”

Something in his face changes, Tsukishima catches the tiniest purse of his lips, a twitch in his eyebrows. He’s said the wrong thing.

Fumbling to fix it, he starts babbling. “I mean, we’ve been together so long, and friends for even longer that I  _ know  _ you, Yama – Tadashi. And I remember how you looked in high school when you were vibrant and happy and I  _ miss  _ that. You’re like this… washed out version of yourself.”

Yamaguchi  _ stares  _ at him. Face blanker than any expression he’s ever seen on Kozume.

“Will you  _ say something _ , please.”

Tears start welling up in those blank eyes, lips spasm into a shaky frown, eyebrows pinch together. Sadness floods Yamaguchi’s face like a tidal wave. He hiccups and turns his face away, eyes closed against the onslaught of tears. His fingers shake where they close over his mouth to keep his emotions in.

“ _ Talk to me _ ,” Tsukishima begs, his own voice beginning to waver. He’s never been good with this emotional shit, spent all of high school shutting Hinata down before he could go over the top.

“I didn’t  _ ask  _ for you to worry about me,” Yamaguchi finally chokes out, the hand over his mouth moving to tug at his hair.

“You – What?” Tsukishima laughs, high and unbelieving. “That’s what you  _ get  _ you start dating someone, Tadashi. You sign up for all that. The love, the worry, the everything else. You did ask.”

Yamaguchi shakes his head, fingers closing tighter on his hair. “I don’t need you to worry about me. And I don’t need you to take care of me either. I can do both of those just fine.” He finally releases the brown strands in his fingers to run his fingers back. They’re still shaking.

“Well that’s too bad,” Tsukishima says, trying to school his face and voice back to calm. “I’m afraid I can’t turn off my feelings, Tadashi. Looks like we’re both stuck with them.”

Yamaguchi refuses to look at him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omfg i'm sorry this took so long but i suddenly got a job and my friends started dragging me out and school started senior year hoo boy anyway enjoy

**things you said through your teeth**

Yamaguchi throws his water bottle down, it bounces off the shiny wood of the court. They thought getting some of the old team together for a small match would be fun. It had been, but things had gone downhill fast. “You never even stop to consider what the hell anyone else wants – !”

“Yamaguchi!” Hinata tries, reaching forward for his friend’s arm.

“Don’t,” Kageyama hisses, holding him back. “Let them work it out.” Hinata tries again to get in between them, even manages it for a second before Kageyama practically picks him up and hauls him away.

“ – All you ever think about is yourself, yourself, yourself! I’m sick of it!”

“What about you, huh?!” Tsukishima yells back, and even Hinata flinches as he stops struggling for a moment, never having heard him yell before. With Tanaka’s help, Kageyama drags him completely out of the gym.

“What about me??” Yamaguchi shrieks, voice rising in near hysteria. “Are you trying to tell me  _ I’m _ the selfish one?? That’s fucking rich!”

“No! You’re too damn selfless!”

Yamaguchi starts at that, clearly taken aback. “What?”

“I don’t know if you’ve  _ noticed _ , Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima hisses, voice quiet and back to his usual state of dangerous calm, “But you’re not doing so well with money right now.”

“I’m doing fine – !”

“You’ve been working yourself half to death between school and that fucking corner store, and you hardly fucking eat anything anymore. I know you give away lunches to kids on campus, don’t think I haven’t seen you do it. You used to know when to  _ stop _ ! You used to know when enough was enough, and when you needed to look out for yourself!”

“Well if they need  _ help _ – ”

“You fucking need help, Yamaguchi!” Tsukishima explodes again. “Have you even looked in a mirror lately?? You’re so damn skinny I’m afraid you’ll just blow away or collapse one day and that’ll be it! I can’t watch you do this to yourself…”

“I’m not doing  _ anything _ , Tsukishima, don’t try to turn this around so everything’s on me! You’re the one who can’t look past his own needs! Are you saying I should be more like  _ you _ ? A selfish  _ jerk _ who wouldn’t do something nice if he was held at gunpoint? At least I  _ help _ people!”

“I’ve tried to help people!” Tsukishima yells back, “I’ve tried to help  _ you _ ! But you’re too god damn  _ stubborn _ to accept it. You wanna help people? Maybe fucking do what I couldn’t and start with yourself.” Anger and adrenaline course through him, and for a split second he worries he’ll attack his boyfriend. But he’s always been plagued by weak impulsive thoughts, and he just turns away and stalks out of the gym, refraining from slamming the door even though his hands are shaking.

He runs his fingers through his short hair, glaring at nothing as he stalks toward the bus that will take him back to his apartment. “Fucking Yamaguchi,” he growls. “I’m not selfish. I mean, I’m a little selfish but I tried to fucking help him, didn’t I?” He struggles to unclench his teeth. “Utter bullshit.”

* * *

 

**things you said when you were scared**

Yamaguchi has been staying with Hinata for over two weeks. He hardly speaks to Tsukishima, won’t return his texts or phone calls, avoids him when he shows up at the apartment or they run into each other on campus. Hinata isn’t being much help either, just answers vaguely that Yamaguchi is ‘out’ when Tsukishima attempts to talk to him in person.

He debates asking Kenma, but there’s a multitude of problems with that course. For one, ever since that whole issue with the party – no one is really sure what happened, but pretty much all rumors point to drunken rape – he spends more time in Kuroo’s apartment than his own. For two, he probably doesn’t care much what goes on in the lives of his roommate’s friends. For three, and most importantly, Tsukishima doesn’t have his number.

So he’s stuck like this, following cold leads on Yamaguchi’s wearabouts. It’s exhausting and frankly, getting a little ridiculous.

If he’s being honest with himself (as he so rarely is), he doesn’t  _ want  _ to break up. That’s probably the last thing he wants, second only to Yamaguchi working himself to death.

But Yamaguchi seems to have other ideas, as he dodges and dips around, always just out of reach, and Tsukishima’s life becomes a stream of, “You just missed him,” “He should be back any minute,” “I’ll tell him you came by,” “He was just here.”

He finally catches him, on campus in a spot neither of them is supposed to be right now. Tsukishima has class a block over in about, oh,  _ now _ , and Yamaguchi’s shift at that store starts in less time than he has to get there. And yet they’re both in Suga’s pastry shop on this wonderful Monday afternoon, heading into Week Three of Yamaguchi’s avoidance.

“Ah!” Yamaguchi yelps when he walks in and sees Tsukishima standing off to the side of the counter, waiting for his drink.

He’s so startled he repeats it back, face twisting in confusion because he should definitely be at work right now??

Yamaguchi turns on his heel, predictably about to flee, but Suga calls him over from the counter, waving enthusiastically. The younger boy approaches, warily throwing glances at Tsukishima every few seconds.

“What are you doing here, don’t you have work?” he hears Suga ask.

“I gave my shift to someone else, they need the money. So I thought I’d come here and, well, use your wifi.” He chuckles nervously, too aware of Tsukishima’s eyes on him to have a normal conversation.

“Ah, I see,” Suga hums. “Here, this is Tsukishima’s drink, will you bring it to him?”

Oh, Suga is an  _ angel _ .

“Um, yeah, of course.” Yamaguchi almost  _ trembles _ as he picks up Tsukishima’s coffee, approaches cautiously as though his boyfriend is a snake, poised to bite. “Here,” he blurts, thrusting the coffee out with a jerky arm.

Tsukishima takes it, stares at the hollowness of Yamaguchi’s eyes, the jut of his cheekbones under pale skin, the way his shoulders sag as though the young boy is Atlas himself. He’s terrified.

_ Screw class _ , he thinks, and reaches forward with both hands, one closing lightly around Yamaguchi’s wrist before he takes his coffee with the other. The boy’s eyes widen in what looks like  _ fear _ , and Tsukishima has to resist the urge to roll his own.

“Relax, will you?” he mumbles, moving his hand to take Yamaguchi’s. It’s limp, like he doesn’t really want to, but eventually laces their fingers together. “I just really, really need to talk to you.”

Movement over Yamaguchi’s shoulder catches his eye, and he glances over to see Suga making shooing motions with his hands.

“Ah, not here,” Tsukishima voices, glancing around at the other scattered patrons in the cafe. “Will you come for a walk with me?”

Yamaguchi looks mourningly at the sign that says  _ Free Wifi _ , his shoulders sink even further under the weight of his backpack. “I really, I have homework to… do…” He trails off under Tsukishima’s glare. “Yeah,” he amends quietly. “Yeah, let’s go.”

\---

They end up going back to their building.

Neither one of them can think of what to say on the walk to the bus stop, or during the bus ride, but they hold hands all the way up to the roof, where they sit on the gravel and lean against the low wall.

“I miss you,” is the first thing Tsukishima thinks to blurt out. And it’s true, he does, he misses Yamaguchi horribly around the apartment. There’s no one humming quietly or bobbing their head to the radio, let alone dancing around in their socks like they used to. He’s always cooking too much food, leaving the leftovers in the fridge until he realizes no one is going to eat them and they go bad, and he’s forced to throw them out.

Yamaguchi looks away, fingers twitching in Tsukishima’s hand like he wants to pull away, but he doesn’t. “I… miss you too,” he forces out, the words sounded like they’ve been fished from the pit of his stomach and dragged up, tortured out of him and falling flat on the roof.

“How have you been?” Tsukishima tries, though he already knows the answer.

“Exhausted,” comes the expected reply.

He feels his heart pinch, staring at the dullness of Yamaguchi’s eyes. How did they get like this? “Please come home,” he finds himself murmuring, voice shaking with emotion. He clears his throat a few times, refusing to allow himself to show such weakness.

Yamaguchi closes his eyes and takes a deep breath through his nose, tilting his head up to the afternoon sky. “I will,” he breathes, faint like he hardly means it.

* * *

 

**things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear**

Tsukishima starts talking to Suga on the phone more.

He doesn't really know who else to try. He's gotten fairly close to Hinata, but that's where Yamaguchi is going to  _ avoid him _ , so it wouldn't make much sense to go to the guy harboring his boyfriend. And Kageyama, well… They learned to work together, and that's kind of the extent of their relationship. They aren't really friends still.

Bokuto and Kuroo he still considers major annoyances, even if they’ve continued to help him since he came to college, and he doesn't want to talk to them about something like this.

So that pretty much leaves Suga or Daichi, and given Suga's, well, motherly angel like personality, Tsukishima considered him the better option.

He’s sitting on the couch, glaring at the muted commercial on TV as he talks to Suga on the phone.

_ “I think he just might need space, Tsukishima,” _ Suga sighs, a phrase he has repeated a millions times.

“I’ve been  _ giving  _ him space, though. He’s been staying with Hinata for like  _ three weeks _ .”

_ “Did you talk to him that day after the cafe?” _

He shifts, watching the woman in the infomercial burn a lump of cheese onto a frying pan. “Yeah. We came back here and sat on the roof for a while. I got pretty much nothing but emptiness out of him. He’s gonna work himself to  _ death _ , Suga-san.”

_ “I’m sure Hinata will keep him from going overboard. He may still be a bit childish but he has a good heart.” _

Tsukishima scowls. “He’s been there for three weeks. Every time I see him he looks worse and worse.” He doesn’t hear the front door behind him open quietly, forgetting that he usually has a class right now and that Yamaguchi has been coming by when he’s not around to grab clothes and what not. “Hinata’s not the childish one here. Yamaguchi’s the one acting like a fucking kid and running away from his problems. One fucking fight we have, and he’s ready to call it quits. That’s so –”

He cuts off when he looks up, sees his boyfriend standing directly in front of with a blank stare to rival Kenma.

_ “Tsukishima?” _

The silence rings in his ears, mouth opening and closing in an attempt to come up with something,  _ anything _ , any word or phrase or even gesture that could take back what he just said. Yamaguchi doesn’t even look sad, hardly upset, just blank and empty like a slab of stone.

“Tadashi…” he says slowly.

_ “Tsukishi –” _  He hangs up the phone without even glancing at it.

“Tadashi, I –”

“Have you seen my copy of Fires on the Plain?” he asks, voice low.

“...What?”

“Fires on the Plain. By Shohei Ooka. We finished the unit but now I need it for a comparative paper.”

“I… haven’t,” Tsukishima mumbles. Tears are welling up in his eyes, staring at the stone cold face of the boy across from him. “Tadashi wait I didn’t mean –”

He’s cut off by the door, slamming between them.

* * *

 

**things you said after it was over**

It’s more than a little strange, seeing the apartment half filled with only Tsukishima’s things. Yamaguchi’s presence is entirely gone from their small space, all his clothes and books, shoes, pictures, random odds and ends. It feels hollow, off balance.

Much like Tsukishima’s chest.

He had seen and heard absolutely nothing of Yamaguchi for the rest of the month after that phone call with Suga. All he’d gotten was a text from Hinata, saying that Yamaguchi was moving in with him, and Kenma was moving in with Kuroo.

So here he sits, alone and for once without a date at which that would end. It somehow doesn’t feel as liberating as it did when Yamaguchi first left for home.

Suga assured him it would all fade back to normality eventually. It had taken a while for he and Daichi to get their acts together and start dating, surprisingly, and in that time Suga had plenty of long term boyfriends. Breakup pains lasted a while, he said, but eventually, everything fades.

Of course, it’s difficult for it to fade when he keeps seeing Yamaguchi around campus, scuttling away as soon as they catch sight of each other like a scared rabbit. For every step Tsukishima takes forward, the running and hiding knocks him two steps back. So he decides the only thing they can do is talk about it.

Suga warns him: Don’t corner the poor kid. As him to talk, let him decide whether or not he wants to, leave the situation as open as possible.

What does he do?

He corners him.

He doesn’t  _ mean  _ to, but with the kid running like that every time he sees Tsukishima, what choice does he have really. So he waits for Yamaguchi to get out of class, waits  _ right  _ outside the room. He listens to the click of computer keys coming from inside, probably kids working on essays or close readings. He’s here early, being a little overeager had him rushing.

Yamaguchi jumps a foot in the air when he leaves the room, one of the last ones out nearly ten minutes after the professor dismisses them.

“Tsukishima!” he yelps. The name sounds foreign in his voice.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he jumps back, before the boy can run.

The surprise wears away, leaving, well, nothing behind. Yamaguchi’s face is cold and empty. “I don’t have anything to say,” he mumbles, heading for the stairs.

“Well I do,” Tsukishima snaps, following after him. It feels weird, to be the one chasing. He never thought he’d care enough about something to chase it. Let alone some _ one _ .

Yamaguchi turns around to look at him, and anything he’d planned just falls away, looking at those eyes. He sees his entire adolescence in those eyes, all their years of friendship, volleyball, every sleepover and study session, every date, every movie night and quiet breakfast, every rushed morning and lazy afternoon, and he nearly chokes up. Nostalgia fills him, going back through their years together.

But he tries to focus on the present, staring at those eyes now. And he’s forced to face the truth: the only thing they drag up now is feelings of exhaustion, an ache for what used to be.

“I’m sorry we ended up like this,” he whispers, fingers going numb at his sides. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.”

Yamaguchi nods, once, slowly. He doesn’t take his hand, doesn’t touch him. Instead he says, “I know you tried. I’m sorry that I refused to let you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next: a slice of kagehina life


End file.
